What happens when your spiritual teacher turns out to be the opposite of awakened? This essay explores the heartbreak of disillusionment—and the quiet power of a different path.
Anthony, this article resonates tremendously with me. I believe that the "human mess" has a purpose. Through this mess we have the chance to transform our behaviour more and more from an ego-based operating system into a love-based operating system , which you describe as "xiuxing".
I remember you were still in Gainesville when this happened. I was only a casual student and I'm still terrible at practicing (now I know it's a neurodivergent thing), and you likely don't remember me, but the empathy I felt for you at the time was nearly physical. I couldn't imagine the nuclear detonation that situation caused in your life, your practices, your beliefs, everything.
Since then you've traveled a long way physically and spiritually and have clearly done so much hard work to get to this post. To these very words I just listened too.
I've never heard of a concept worthy of achieving other than enlightenment, but your words on xiuxing deeply resonate with me. I'm intensely curious. And I hope it's not inappropriate to say that I am so incredibly happy for you.
Why do you still think I don't remember you, Robin? I know exactly who you are, and would easily recognize you on the street. But thank you so much for the empathy and the kind words! It was indeed like a detonation.
As for neurodivergence, I'll be writing on that, but the short answer is that people like us can still do it, although we may need accommodations or workarounds. I don't know what flavor you got, but my ADHD hasn't exactly been a friend when it comes to building healthy habits. Maybe my posts here will be your entry back into qigong.
Teachers are just people. Relationships with people are complicated. I think of relationships as a car that gets us down the road. The car is sometimes a jalopy. Sometimes a Jaguar. Sometimes we gotta get the hell outta that car, but it did get us farther down the road. Sometimes the car goes in reverse, but that's movement too. These days, I put more thought into who I climb in with haha. I do more vehicular maintenance.
I am curious to learn more about the practice you describe. Is it something like Xui yang? I could consider it a boat I embark on, on my own or sometimes with others. I wonder. I look forward to hearing where your journey takes you.
When I set out on my spiritual journey, I quickly found Qigong. And I found a teacher who had laid claim to enlightenment. I could not verify this claim from afar, but for quite some time I chose to believe it, and absorb everything else from the system that he taught.
I'm glad to say that soon after I found another spiritual teacher who I got to know in person who holds true to all you've said. I have gained great insight in how he lives, how he deals with people, what his strengths and weaknesses are, and entrusting myself to that second teacher has allowed me to prosper and grow.
After more than a dozen years I actually met the first teacher at a workshop on meditation (at no small expense). Very quickly it was clear to me, from the way he spoke, and especially how he spoke about others, that he was not enlightened. He claimed to be blunt but actually was unkind. Many things he said were meant to entice students. Afterwards I kept seeing the pattern throughout the way the school advertises its material, especially in recent years.
It's funny how the Universe works. The first workshop I ever did in that school I met a very intriguing man, in 2006 or 2007. And that guy, he realized I was seeking enlightenment in earnest. He took me aside and said: "Nobody that followed this guy has become 'clear.' You see the same faces show up year after year, essentially unchanged." He recommended me another teacher and author. His observation stands true. In fact, also none of the other teachers in this school have been empowered to teach to the same standard as the guy founding it, even after decades, another red flag.
In spite of having said all that, I have found that I have learned top-notch Qigong from that school. The experience taught me a lot about spiritual teachers, and he's far from the only one who lays claim to more than he is. I still practice the techniques but I also trust my own intuition in how to do them. And I know now that any such teacher will one way or the other insinuate that you need them and will never be as good as them. I had to unwind that from my system and just do and see where it takes me.
Thanks for sharing all of this. I can probably guess who you’re talking about, but I won’t name names either.
What you said about the contrast between teachers—one you got to know deeply, the other exposed through his own words and behavior—really resonates. I talk about this in my book: the importance of taking the good and discarding the bad. It’s such a key skill for navigating these arts.
That line—“Nobody that followed this guy has become clear”—that’s powerful. In my case, what made things more confusing is that my teacher did produce some genuinely clear students. The irony is that all of them eventually left him, one way or another. The ones that remain are precisely the ones who were unable to see things clearly.
Your story is a great reminder: trust your experience, stay human, and keep practicing
This idea of tossing out the idea and the goal of Enlightenment is fascinating and wonderfully radical! It's so true there are so many "fallen" teachers on the so-called spiritual path or claiming Enlightenment or Self-Realization (just like in politics and in wealth-building so often 'success' seems to bring out the worst in the person, especially in terms of manipulating and harming others). The one teacher that I've held in high esteem and always held as a worthy example for myself is Ramana Maharshi. But His method was essentially Socratic and he called it Self enquiry. But I still need to re-evaluate even the goal of Self-Realization and what it really means to me practically....
Absolutely. Ramana Maharshi seems to be one of the rare figures who lived a quiet, simple life without the usual trail of manipulation, abuse, or drama that surrounds so many spiritual teachers. That said, it's worth looking at how his teachings have been interpreted or idealized by followers. Sometimes the shadow doesn’t live in the teacher—it lives in the tradition that follows.
Hi Anthony! As I right this my head is a jumbled mess because I can understand you but cannot find the right kind of words to make this clear and not so messy. But I wanted to point out that there is something beautiful about being a messy human being and the potential for grace, patience and compassion to unlock its secrets between the space of being brave enough to sit with this mess and letting go of every idea and label that tries to fit what we are trying to understand into something that we can hold. The truth is, these are times when the human part of us meets with something much deeper and hard to understand at first. But I think it’s a relationship and connection to what is possibly helping us get to know these things that are needed to make peace, integration and change. Perhaps there are measurable insights of something repeatedly trying to get our attention. It’s hard to find words for it. I think there are laws of quantum physics, thermodynamics, but laws of spirit like polarity, symmetry and patterns that repeat themselves on every measure scale of existence. The words didn’t mean much until enough time and experience was added in my deep forms of meditation. I don’t know if you think I’m crazy or just out of my mind. But I spent the last 5 years coming to terms with how this was effecting my entire existence and what I thought was real to me. Not because I wanted to set myself apart from anyone. I hid away and didn’t speak much to anyone about this. I couldn’t handle being around other people with the way I felt and had little to no support in terms of allowing me to go through this process. But what I can say is that what it did for me is help me see a truth that helped me grow from my traumas, it helped me find peace with the things I have done. That path of illumination taught me how to apply the things I felt and experienced in my deepest meditative experiences and meet my humanity’s mistakes and all of its ugly shadows. I was finding peace there and I could be more patient and kind to those who could trigger me or be difficult to be around. Not right away but with time, each step. Each experience I grow more like this being that called out to me every time I felt its presence shower me with these qualities. I got to slowly get to know how the relationship of energy behaves inside all things and outside of us out there in the universe. By allowing myself to let go of my humanity from time to time and come back to integrate with it. I say this because the way you speak about a measurable progress can be done. It’s just not easy to make it that say. Slow and steady. Nice and easy for us. I did the best I could to try to make this make sense. I think you are following your right path and as one person carving their own path to another, I see you and I honor you.
Thank you for sharing all of that, Riku. I totally get what you’re pointing to. That messy, paradoxical space is where so much real transformation happens. It’s not linear, not always clear, not always fun. Nice to see you there on the path.
Anthony, this article resonates tremendously with me. I believe that the "human mess" has a purpose. Through this mess we have the chance to transform our behaviour more and more from an ego-based operating system into a love-based operating system , which you describe as "xiuxing".
yeah!
Have the courage to be unfinished
solidarity with all of life, unfolding
Inclusive Self - all the parts, all the feelings, all the diversity
I'm ALL IN!
I remember you were still in Gainesville when this happened. I was only a casual student and I'm still terrible at practicing (now I know it's a neurodivergent thing), and you likely don't remember me, but the empathy I felt for you at the time was nearly physical. I couldn't imagine the nuclear detonation that situation caused in your life, your practices, your beliefs, everything.
Since then you've traveled a long way physically and spiritually and have clearly done so much hard work to get to this post. To these very words I just listened too.
I've never heard of a concept worthy of achieving other than enlightenment, but your words on xiuxing deeply resonate with me. I'm intensely curious. And I hope it's not inappropriate to say that I am so incredibly happy for you.
Why do you still think I don't remember you, Robin? I know exactly who you are, and would easily recognize you on the street. But thank you so much for the empathy and the kind words! It was indeed like a detonation.
As for neurodivergence, I'll be writing on that, but the short answer is that people like us can still do it, although we may need accommodations or workarounds. I don't know what flavor you got, but my ADHD hasn't exactly been a friend when it comes to building healthy habits. Maybe my posts here will be your entry back into qigong.
Sifu, I am so grateful about these posts. Keep up the good work!
" it’s not about transcending the human mess, but learning how to live inside it with grace." This statement resonates. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful for you, Charlie!
Very well written Sifu. I heard first about this topic in this book which I recommend for everyone interested.
https://www.amazon.de/Shadows-Path-English-Abdi-Assadi-ebook/dp/B007RECEYC/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=IU0B228RBX1S&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.pcSME_cTYrxLquohiEHdu5eucOq7rRjiurA__8MjfDmn5r_0sXUyo7QE-sQ5pSGciNmLpTzh0OM0Xpc1XOBmnNLz00CRggyD1bFtrvmEuDUEAboDzJqMR6mXnAovavNi.F1aGJAog_L-ImjKTVjYcWmFDxcTtasWmjKgaDet7Gz8&dib_tag=se&keywords=abdi+assadi&qid=1743707755&sprefix=abdi+assa%2Caps%2C108&sr=8-3
Interesting! But I can't seem to find a new copy here in the US. Is it worth $30 for a used copy?
Probably not because you figured it out by yourself. But for everyone not familiar with the topic it could be beneficial.
It is also avaliable on kindle.
I’ll just get the Kindle. Thanks!
Thank you.
omg yes! love this word! love everything about this post and it is absolutely congruent to what I stand for in my beliefs and my life :)
Great post, man.
Thank you, sir!
Teachers are just people. Relationships with people are complicated. I think of relationships as a car that gets us down the road. The car is sometimes a jalopy. Sometimes a Jaguar. Sometimes we gotta get the hell outta that car, but it did get us farther down the road. Sometimes the car goes in reverse, but that's movement too. These days, I put more thought into who I climb in with haha. I do more vehicular maintenance.
I am curious to learn more about the practice you describe. Is it something like Xui yang? I could consider it a boat I embark on, on my own or sometimes with others. I wonder. I look forward to hearing where your journey takes you.
Yes, xiuyang and xiuxing are both Chinese concepts of self-cultivation but with different focuses. In fact, the first character is the same for both!
Xiuyang is more like everyday character development through our interactions and choices.
Xiuxing is the dedicated spiritual practice itself - like when I'm doing my qigong routines or meditation.
I'm using xiuxang not as a specific practice or technique, but more as a substitute for the word "spiritual".
Your boat metaphor is cool! Sometimes we're rowing alone, sometimes with others alongside us. The journey keeps unfolding either way.
When I set out on my spiritual journey, I quickly found Qigong. And I found a teacher who had laid claim to enlightenment. I could not verify this claim from afar, but for quite some time I chose to believe it, and absorb everything else from the system that he taught.
I'm glad to say that soon after I found another spiritual teacher who I got to know in person who holds true to all you've said. I have gained great insight in how he lives, how he deals with people, what his strengths and weaknesses are, and entrusting myself to that second teacher has allowed me to prosper and grow.
After more than a dozen years I actually met the first teacher at a workshop on meditation (at no small expense). Very quickly it was clear to me, from the way he spoke, and especially how he spoke about others, that he was not enlightened. He claimed to be blunt but actually was unkind. Many things he said were meant to entice students. Afterwards I kept seeing the pattern throughout the way the school advertises its material, especially in recent years.
It's funny how the Universe works. The first workshop I ever did in that school I met a very intriguing man, in 2006 or 2007. And that guy, he realized I was seeking enlightenment in earnest. He took me aside and said: "Nobody that followed this guy has become 'clear.' You see the same faces show up year after year, essentially unchanged." He recommended me another teacher and author. His observation stands true. In fact, also none of the other teachers in this school have been empowered to teach to the same standard as the guy founding it, even after decades, another red flag.
In spite of having said all that, I have found that I have learned top-notch Qigong from that school. The experience taught me a lot about spiritual teachers, and he's far from the only one who lays claim to more than he is. I still practice the techniques but I also trust my own intuition in how to do them. And I know now that any such teacher will one way or the other insinuate that you need them and will never be as good as them. I had to unwind that from my system and just do and see where it takes me.
Thank you for sharing your own story.
Thanks for sharing all of this. I can probably guess who you’re talking about, but I won’t name names either.
What you said about the contrast between teachers—one you got to know deeply, the other exposed through his own words and behavior—really resonates. I talk about this in my book: the importance of taking the good and discarding the bad. It’s such a key skill for navigating these arts.
That line—“Nobody that followed this guy has become clear”—that’s powerful. In my case, what made things more confusing is that my teacher did produce some genuinely clear students. The irony is that all of them eventually left him, one way or another. The ones that remain are precisely the ones who were unable to see things clearly.
Your story is a great reminder: trust your experience, stay human, and keep practicing
This idea of tossing out the idea and the goal of Enlightenment is fascinating and wonderfully radical! It's so true there are so many "fallen" teachers on the so-called spiritual path or claiming Enlightenment or Self-Realization (just like in politics and in wealth-building so often 'success' seems to bring out the worst in the person, especially in terms of manipulating and harming others). The one teacher that I've held in high esteem and always held as a worthy example for myself is Ramana Maharshi. But His method was essentially Socratic and he called it Self enquiry. But I still need to re-evaluate even the goal of Self-Realization and what it really means to me practically....
Absolutely. Ramana Maharshi seems to be one of the rare figures who lived a quiet, simple life without the usual trail of manipulation, abuse, or drama that surrounds so many spiritual teachers. That said, it's worth looking at how his teachings have been interpreted or idealized by followers. Sometimes the shadow doesn’t live in the teacher—it lives in the tradition that follows.
Hi Anthony! As I right this my head is a jumbled mess because I can understand you but cannot find the right kind of words to make this clear and not so messy. But I wanted to point out that there is something beautiful about being a messy human being and the potential for grace, patience and compassion to unlock its secrets between the space of being brave enough to sit with this mess and letting go of every idea and label that tries to fit what we are trying to understand into something that we can hold. The truth is, these are times when the human part of us meets with something much deeper and hard to understand at first. But I think it’s a relationship and connection to what is possibly helping us get to know these things that are needed to make peace, integration and change. Perhaps there are measurable insights of something repeatedly trying to get our attention. It’s hard to find words for it. I think there are laws of quantum physics, thermodynamics, but laws of spirit like polarity, symmetry and patterns that repeat themselves on every measure scale of existence. The words didn’t mean much until enough time and experience was added in my deep forms of meditation. I don’t know if you think I’m crazy or just out of my mind. But I spent the last 5 years coming to terms with how this was effecting my entire existence and what I thought was real to me. Not because I wanted to set myself apart from anyone. I hid away and didn’t speak much to anyone about this. I couldn’t handle being around other people with the way I felt and had little to no support in terms of allowing me to go through this process. But what I can say is that what it did for me is help me see a truth that helped me grow from my traumas, it helped me find peace with the things I have done. That path of illumination taught me how to apply the things I felt and experienced in my deepest meditative experiences and meet my humanity’s mistakes and all of its ugly shadows. I was finding peace there and I could be more patient and kind to those who could trigger me or be difficult to be around. Not right away but with time, each step. Each experience I grow more like this being that called out to me every time I felt its presence shower me with these qualities. I got to slowly get to know how the relationship of energy behaves inside all things and outside of us out there in the universe. By allowing myself to let go of my humanity from time to time and come back to integrate with it. I say this because the way you speak about a measurable progress can be done. It’s just not easy to make it that say. Slow and steady. Nice and easy for us. I did the best I could to try to make this make sense. I think you are following your right path and as one person carving their own path to another, I see you and I honor you.
Thank you for sharing all of that, Riku. I totally get what you’re pointing to. That messy, paradoxical space is where so much real transformation happens. It’s not linear, not always clear, not always fun. Nice to see you there on the path.